Milord Randolph Wellington Bowles

A series of excerpts from the entire book, which is made possible through the compilation of stories submitted by the many friends and family of Milord.

The Book of Wellington

by Milady MCatherine

Forward

You realize, of course, that there is not enough paper in the world to hold the stories about Milord Wellington. Here we will include the bare minimum, just for remembrance sake, but before we launch into the litany, let us preface by saying:

Milord is a dear, sweet and hail-fellow-well-met. He is gracious and always takes the high-road. He is courageous (many years ago he ran down and caught a purse thief for an elderly lady while leaving his car running at a signal only to return to having received a traffic ticket and several years ago he revived a woman who was nearly dead for choking on steak in a restaurant in Louisiana). He is loyal to the core of his being, sensitive and well-meaning.

While Milord has some peculiarities such as “breakfast foods, lunch foods and dinner foods cannot be mixed!” or “it is communistic for a meal to be skipped!” or “I belong to the church of the perfect wedge”, or “you got to love yourself before you can love others!” or responding to the most complex demand as “no problem” or the constant inquiry of the same subject AFTER the subject has been well discussed in Milord’s presence or Milord’s ‘single-mindedness’, or Milord ‘The Prince’ Wellington who is unable to sleep peacefully if there is ONE wrinkle in a sheet located under his Princely body, he remains loveable—amiable— stalwart—good natured and mischievous.

Thus it is with all good conscience and confidence we believe we can refer to the most memorable of Milord’s personality traits and escapades poked with good natured fun!

With Love, Milady

FAMILY LORE

Milord has always entertained me. Our lives together have been peppered with spark, excitement and laughter. In spite of the fact we have often been on opposite political, psychological and organizational sides of a number of issues, we remain dedicated to one another while tolerating our differences.

Keys

Keys have always been a bit of a devil to keep track of by Milord. There are so many incidents, but to mention only the most common would be that Milord on “occasion” puts his keys in his luggage, to avoid having bulky pockets. The airlines have not always been most cooperative with delivering Milord’s luggage upon his Royals arrival. Thus Milord finds himself calling Milady MCatherine, frantic that she rescues the situation with a replacement key so Milord is able to drive his “coach” home or to another destination, (luggage of course to be delivered later).

Conversation: “Hi! The good news is that I am home. The bad news is that the airline’s lost my luggage. The good news is that I have a hide-a-key and I’ll be home soon.” Forty minutes later, “Hi! The good news is that I found my car. The bad news is that the hide- a-key was placed too close to the exhaust pipe and has melted. Could you bring me a key?” or the next time, “Hi! The good news is I’m home. The bad news is that the airline’s lost my luggage. The good news is I have a hide-a-key and I’ll be home soon.” Forty minutes later, “Hi! The good news is I found my car. The bad news is I placed the hide-a-key under the hood and I can’t pop the hood without getting into the car. Could you bring me a key?” or, “Hi! The good news is I’m home. The bad news is the airline’s lost my luggage. The good news is I have a hide-a-key and I’ll be home soon.” Forty minutes later, “Hi! The good news is I’ve found my car. The bad news is the hide-a-key cover rusted off and the key has fallen out! Could you bring me a key?” or, “Hi! I’m down at The River Place and somehow locked the keys in the car and the car is running! Could you bring me a key?” or

When left to retrieve his car at the car service shop, Milady MCatherine offers to remain until Milord gets into his car and also let Milord know she has the extra key with her if he needs it, but being waved off, she goes on to the MAC to exercise and kibitz with friends then returns home to a series of messages: “Where are you???? I have to get to work early this morning and I left my car door key in my office desk. I need you to bring me a key to get into my car so I can drive to work,” and 5 minutes later another message on the machine says, “I don’t understand where you are!!!! I’m sitting at the service garage waiting for you to bring me a key so I can get to work. If you get this message, please come down here and bring me a key!” and thirty minutes later, “I don’t understand this!!! I borrowed a car from one of the service attendants and used the hide-a-key to get into the house to get the extra key to my car, but it’s not here!!!! What have YOU done with it????” and thirty minutes after that, “Hi. I’m still at the service garage. I don’t know where you are or when you will be back. I borrowed a car from the service attendant and I don’t know how it happened, but somehow I lost the key to his car when I got back to the garage and now he has to call his wife for an extra key and I wanted to get to work early today, but I guess that’s not going to happen now. So, whenever you can get here, could you bring a key to get into my car door so I can get to work some time today? Oh, and don’t leave me here until you see I am in my car and driving in the direction of my office.”

Money Clip

Nor has Milord had good luck with keeping in his company his money clip. Oh, it’s been confiscated at the airport on more than one occasion because there is a teeny weenie knife attached to it. Until recently, Milord did not practice the good habit of routinely emptying his pockets of the miscellaneous in the same place. Most recently, Milord was playing golf at the Astoria Country Club. After the round, Milord approached Milady with a desperate tone asking if she had his money clip. Milady inquired calmly, “why would I have your money clip?” Milord launched into the most incredible story about his thoughtful purchase of a sandwich for Milady and he believed Milady should have noticed his money clip left on the bench with the sandwich. “How much money was in the clip?” Milady questioned. “Three Hundred Dollars!” Milord wailed. Milord then commandeered his dear friend, Sir Philip, and they took off in a golf cart inquiring of each player on the back 9 as to whether they had found the money clip! Upon arriving back to lodgings, turning his own golf bag inside out producing NO money clip, Milord despondently suggested that he might simply lay down in the drive way and have one of us run over him with a car. “Better yet, just park on top of me!” Finally, Sir Larry Wobbrock suggested that since both Sir Phil and Milord’s golf bags were identical, “do you think you might have put the money clip in Sir Phil’s bag?” Happy! Happy Day! Milord looked in Sir Philip’s bag and THERE was the money clip!

Milord’s Personal Behavior

Milord is prone to laying his clothes along the floor on his side of the bed in the form of a person…..shirt at the top, followed by trousers with belt and socks sticking out the end of the pant leg in order to lessen the stress of decision making in the morning, which is fully dedicated to primping in the mirror and exclaiming, “is this a pretty guy or what? Well, you’ve got to love yourself before you can love others!” Milord’s closet is filled with lovely clothes he wears exquisitely….even gardening clothes look wonderful on him!

Milord’s Naiveté

Milord is a bit naive and Milady takes full advantage. Once, Milord’s bathroom spigot water was running in a rather thin stream. Milord kept asking “why?” After making an effort to suggest any number of plumbing maladies, Milady finally said she thought a rat was probably plugging up the plumbing and that Milord was undoubtedly brushing his teeth with “rat water” at which point Milord began to use Milady’s spigot!

Milord is devoted to TIME Magazine and Reader’s Digest. He often finds any number of articles about health that he feels can remedy any number of ailments Milord MAY eventually develop. Example: Milord read Vitamin E would be an important addition to his diet and he insisted Milady purchase the supplement post haste! After some months passed, Milord stated to Milady one morning, “You know, I have been taking this Vitamin E for several months now, but I can’t remember why.” Milady, ever the quick wit, made point: “For memory….I’d say it’s NOT working!”

Milord’s Memory

Milord’s memory has always been “iffy”. Perfect example to illustrate would be at Andrew and Steffanie’s wedding. Milord and Milady had the great pleasure of meeting many of Andrew’s friends. There were two particular young men, Seth, being short and slight of build with a vibrant personality and Jeff, being tall and rather stout and quiet. At the end of the reception, while Milady waited to escort Milord to the hotel, she noticed Milord speaking with Seth in a rather animated manner. When Milord climbed into the “coach” he announced, shaking his head sadly, “well, Jeff has changed his name to Seth.” “No,” said Milady, “that was Seth.” “Oh, no” Milord argued, “that was Jeff and he’s changed his name to Seth! I argued with him, letting him know that I knew he was Jeff, but he insisted his name was Seth! Finally he just said, ‘well, Jeff, Seth, whatever!’ ” “Very well”, gasped a hysterical Milady, “we’ll sort this out in the morning.”

Of course, if the topic were GOLF, Milord can recall every shot on every hole of every golf course he has ever played in his LIFE!

A Short History of Milord as Repairman, Patient and Nurse

Milord was never tutored in home repair. Very recently the washing machine leaked about two inches of water onto the floor. When Milady asked for help, Milord replied, “I have to pack for my trip to Colorado, but I’ll check back with you on your progress.”

Milord is NOT a good patient. When his son, Prince Drayton, was quite young and had been ill with the flu and Milady had spent an entire week, sequestered as a nurse, upon asking Milord to care for the wee lad while she hurried to the grocery store, Milord called the pediatrician to inquire as to the possibility of his contracting the flu from the boy. The pediatrician upon listening to Milord’s concerns, asked, “Are you the father of this child?” “Oh, yes, but you must understand, it is miserable getting sick on the road and I have to leave for a business trip tomorrow.” Milord moved to the Airport Sheridan to spend the night before leaving on his trip, but he did call to inquire about the health of his son.

When Milord injured his back, he whined he could not continue to live on a golf course if he was unable play golf! “A little poison perhaps?” Milady mused.

Nor is Milord a good nurse. Before Milord and Milady married, Milady unfortunately developed heat stroke. She was living at her parent’s home but her parents were on vacation in Alaska. Milord offered to take care of Milady by staying at her parent’s home to keep her company. After a week, during which time Milord entertained customers in restaurants, played volleyball on Tuesday, finally called Milady on Friday to inquire as to her health and to see if Milady would like him to pick her up something to eat, as she had not been fed nor eaten in all that time. She replied she would like a hamburger. Milord brought a child’s hamburger for Milady and a Bacon Double Cheeseburger for himself. He handed the child’s burger to Milady who took one look at it, threw it at him and DEMANDED his burger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Milord was shocked at Milady’s behavior, but did give her the other burger saying with utter surprise, “Well! If only you had told me you were hungry!”

Milord’s Answer

Recently Milady mentioned to Milord that she always has been puzzled about gravity and the trajectory of the earth and how it revolves around the sun. Milord looked at her in all seriousness and said, “Well, it is round and it moves” at which point Milady roared with laughter.

Milord’s Contribution to Milady’s Life

Milord is responsible for introducing Milady to the art of living, loving, fully engaging in the moment, and encouraging her to reach full potential while supporting her in all matters possible. Milady wishes Milord every good thing in his future and that Milord remain the wind beneath her wings.

Click here to continue reading The Book of Wellington, Part 2