Not all soldiers serve in the military…
Rhino Strikes Again!
If you are a regular reader of my Hide A Heart blog, then you know that I suffer ‘rhino-principle’–which is to say I NEVER believe I am UN-able to make or do anything! I am certain I developed this ‘principle’ due to listening to THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD everyday of my early childhood! “I think I can. I think I can. I know I can!”
“To continue doing something with determination or resolve, despite difficulties or an unlikely chance of succeeding.” (dictionary. cambridge.org)
While on my walk today, I found my thoughts drifting to several last conversations with my husband. I decided to use ‘free associated’ thinking: Definition of free association: the expression (as by speaking or writing) of the content of consciousness without censorship as an aid in gaining access to unconscious processes especially in psychoanalysis. (Merriam-Webster dictionary) to reach ‘beyond the veil’, if that’s even possible, and try to discover how he would respond to the challenges in my life.
Conversations with the Dead
Me: Remember when you said, “I’m worried about how I shall find you after we’re dead?”, and I quipped, “Just look for the brightest star!” I watched your face cloud over, but I didn’t come to you, and ask if you wanted to discuss deeper feelings. I feel bad about that.
Him: You were trying to protect me.
Me: Well, I don’t think I was being completely altruistic….I think I was trying to protect us both. I never wanted you to see my crying or how scared I was feeling…how I could barely breathe… because I thought it would upset you, so I used humor to keep everything on the light side. In the long run, I guess it wasn’t the worse choice.
Remember when I told you I didn’t think I could hold the boys together…that I wasn’t you?
Him: I reminded you that you are wonderful.
Me: I don’t think I can face dealing with two severely dysfunctional people at the same time.
Him: Yes you can.
Me: I am not as strong as people think.
Him: Yes, you are….remember, you are a Titan Woman, Princess.
The Little Engine that could
Me to myself: “On your way, soldier”, recalling this scene from the STARZ series based on the the book OUTLANDER by Diana Galbadon….
I find sometimes strength comes from the most unusual sources.